Quandary: Time

It’s a human construct for measurement.

Some people tell you you’ve got nothing but time, all the time in the world is yours to do with what you please.

Today I had a lovely, relaxing day: went to a movie with friends, drove up the coast a bit, did basically whatever I felt like.

So why did I suddenly feel frantic midway through the day? Like I wasn’t going to have enough time to do what I wanted. Not just today but in my life? I waste hours and hours doing nothing. And yet I feel like I have no control over my time. Granted, I have some obligations that require a particular amount of time and energy. But the rest is mine. Yet I feel so short on resources. Like I need money, or better clothes, or a list, before I can use my time wisely or productively. It’s such bullshit. I get bogged down thinking about it instead of doing something about it.

But the passage of time is something I’d rather not think about. It’s like sticking my fingers in my ears and singing “La la la, I can’t hear you” even though I can hear you perfectly well. It means I’m getting older. It means no more summer vacation. It means no more playing freeze tag or neighborhood until it gets dark. I guess what it really is is feeling like you have to take more responsibility for time. When you’re a kid growing up, you don’t think, Oh I need to get this done or that done. You just do whatever you feel like. Yeah you have to do homework, or chores, but your life doesn’t begin to revolve around them. Guess I need to get out of old-fogey mode. What happened to me?

~ by JT on May 4, 2008.